Apr 29, 2015

Getting back on the saddle

I keep putting you off.. putting it to the back of my mind.. Saying I'll start over again soon..

Well I've gained. And gained and gained and gained. I've gotten so disgusted with myself that I gave up on everything. All I drink is pop. I don't care what or when I eat or how much. I just don't care. Hitting rock bottom again.

The grieving process often makes no sense. It seems like the first 5 months were a heck of a lot easier after Matt passed away the the last 5 months have been. Last week I think I really just bottomed out. Every aspect of my life I felt was falling apart. Stress at home, stress at work, stress everywhere. And I imploded.. about 100x. To the point I even got pulled aside at work. I finally gave in and went to the doctor. She had put me on a low dose of Zoloft a few months ago but me, being me, slacked around in taking it, as I do all my beds, and wrote it off as not helping. Well after blowing through my entire bottle of 'emergency' PRN Xanax last week I realized I needed something more stable. So she increased the Zoloft and my PRN Xanax and even my blood pressure medication all in hopes to get me calmed down, in control, and to help combat my migraines and get me sleeping better.

So there's the mental side of things. Now.. Physical and diet. I quit WW months ago when I stopped tracking. Tracking is fun almost for the first months.. then it gets annoying.. then it gets daunting. I like the idea of it, but really right now, I need easy. I need comfortable. I need something that I don't feel anxious about trying to maintain. I really can't DIET right now. I know that sounds like an excuse, and it probably is, but mentally I'm in so many places I just can't handle another 'job'.

I've decided to start monthly 'challenges'. They say it takes 30 days to form a habit.. so each month I'm going to start a new 'habit' and start challenging myself more. I'm going to try to make 3 challenges a month, one from each of my self improvement categories: Mental, Dietary, and Physical.  May 1st is just around the corner so what a wonderful time to start! Besides my 'challenges' I am also going to try to make a very conscious effort to at the very least WATCH what I'm eating, be AWARE of how I'm treating myself, and keep MOVING as much as I can.

SO... stay tuned. Things are going to start moving and shaking again!!

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