There it was.. The total look of fear in my son's eyes. I was yelling at him, and honestly scaring him. It was like a switch that flipped in my head. There I was, in tears, as my father yelled at me and I swore to myself I'd be so much of a better parent than he. That I'd never yell at my children.
Generally speaking I'd like to think of myself as a rather patient person. I've even been complimented on how patient I am with my son by others. I will sit down and have discussions with my three year old and explain to him what he should do, what he shouldn't do, and why. We discuss how bad behavior makes Mommy 'feel'. I am patient as I can be when my son wants to do everything independently and takes 3x as much as it should. But.. I have my limits as does every other HUMAN. And it seems I've reached that limit over the last few days.
The fiancee is still in the hospital and my son - Well my son is being the typical three year old that he is. Throwing tantrums, being uncooperative, and his newest thing - Not staying in his room or sleeping. I spent a few hours last night returning him to his room. Which is not as easy as it should be. My son has a whole 'routine' that must be followed for him to sleep. He needs a sip of water, then a hug, a kiss, a high five, and a 'dude' (fist pump). We have now added 'blow it up' and 'bring it back' to the fist pump as well. all of these things must be done with Mom, Dad, and Butterscotch (our PUG). Needless to say that in and of itself is frustrating. But now I have him coming out of his room every 10-15 minutes asking me for various things that he either doesn't need, or could easily get himself (i.e. 'Mom my blankie fell off my bed).
And that's it.. I snapped. I yelled. I screamed. I threatened. And what did it accomplish? Nothing. Now my son is scared and wants to sleep even less. He's crying and screaming himself because he's so upset. Now I'm crying because I've become the parent I never wanted to be. Unfortunately this isn't the first time this has happened. It seems when Mommy hits her limit she yells. And I always immediately feel like the worse parent on the planet.
I know for a fact I'm not the only Mother that has yelled at her child. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately kids don't come with instruction manuals - just stretch marks! I'm not always going to be the Perfect A+ Mom. Not everyday is going to be a good day. It's about growing, learning, and moving forward. I can take what I did last night and figure out a better way I could have reacted, and use that for the future. Tonight has been a similar situation already. He has been up twice - the 2nd time with a dirty pull up. Staying as calm as I could I discussed with him about what he did wrong, what he should have done, and how it made me feel. I told him I was frustrated and tired, but I loved him and wanted him to get some sleep. I know that a lot of his bad behavior is due to his lack of sleep. I brought him back to his room and completed the entire routine for the second time tonight. I sprayed the room down with our 'Monster Spray' and made sure both of his night lights were set up correctly. So far - so good.
Even after our episode last night my son was still extremely lovey with me this morning, and actually cried when I had to leave him with the sitter - Something he hasn't done in a very long time. I don't want to say leaving my child crying made me feel good - but - it was nice to know that even though I felt like such a piece of scum parent, my child still unconditionally loved me, and didn't want to see me go.
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