Time for a rant...

I am trying so hard to not stress eat! I believe it has to be one of my biggest downfalls! I want salty crunch snacks.. and I want to shovel large amounts of them into my mouth as fast as possible!!

Seems like I'm one of those people who are always stressed - Maybe I just don't know how to cope with it very well? Who knows.. But I'm always stressed about one thing or another.. My credit, my bills, my health, whether I'm being a good parent, my house, the chores, my family, my fiancee, and the list goes on.. Not to mention the fact that my wedding is just over 2 months away! And sometimes I feel like I've got nothing ready for it!!

Things have been rocky the last ... 10 years? lol. Well 5 years for sure. My first marriage was a disaster and has really set my life up for failure. Financially we destroyed my credit. 90% of everything was put in my name and now I'm left with the mess to clean up. I was talked into going to a ridiculous college with student loans sky high, had a car repossessed, 2 cell phone accounts taken to collections, and the list goes on. I could seriously sit here and cry just thinking about my credit. I'm 25 and it's completely destroyed. And now here I am trying to start a new life with my fiancee and I can't! Banks laugh at me! I have been timely on all my bills and started paying back some debts for the last 3 years now but my credit is going no where! It's getting to the point where I have started to consider the "B" word.. Bankruptcy :(.. As if my credit isn't destroyed enough - Let's just flush it down the toilet forever. It makes me so upset that I was SO dumb in my younger years. If I could turn back time I would!!

Health wise things have been so-so since Christmas. Back in December I had my first ever surgery. Had a rather large kidney stone and had to get it blasted and had a stint put in. SO MUCH PAIN! And then got influenza afterwords.. as did the fiancee which landed him in the hospital, of course. Even the little dude was sick in that round. It just seems like we can't catch a break!

And yes, the fiancee is in the hospital right now. For those of you who don't know he has Cystic Fibrosis. It is a genetic disorder that causes a build-up of mucus in the lungs and digestive track. it causes many respiratory and digestive problems. CF patients tend to get more infections in the lungs because of the mucus, and when it gets bad enough they need to go to the hospital for IV antibiotics. Usually when he goes in he's in for at least 10 days. My fiancees weight has been steadily dropping as well for the last few months so they put him in to fatten him up as well. They want 10 more pounds on him and as of yesterday he was up 7! So hopefully only a few more days! You'd be surprised how fast he can put weight on - But I guess it helps when you order triple portions of everything. I kid you not ... I watched that man eat a double order of chicken strips, a steak, a double order of french fries, and an order of carrots tonight! For kicks and  giggles I WW pointed it and it was 31pts!! I get 35pts IN A DAY! Can you see why it's so hard for me to diet? I have to make the fattiest foods possible with huge portions for him, and then make lean smart portioned food for myself!

We stayed in Ames this weekend to spend more time with the fiancee. My wonderful neighbor came over  and cleaned our house for us. Such a blessing! It seems like sometimes I just cannot keep up! I have been sick the last week or so and I just can't seem to muster up the motivation sometimes! I do not consider myself a slob - honestly it drives me nuts when my house is a mess! But I will admit I get lazy, and 9 times out of 10 my lack of motivation is greater than my frustration of the house being a mess. If someone wants to judge me for that, go right ahead.

I'm really trying to train myself to 'not care'. I care SO much about what other people think of me. I honestly stress myself out about it. I've realized over the last month or so that there are just some people you are never going to please, no matter how much you try. Maybe it was a bad impression, or maybe they generally just don't like you or your personality. You shouldn't beat yourself up over it.. just shrug it off and move on. SO if you don't like me, fine. I'd like to know your explanation, so I can decide whether or not I believe it to be valid or not. Not that it matters! I genuinely see myself as a nice, kind hearted, carining individual. Yeah I tend to talk too much and I know I can be annoying at times, but generally I find myself pretty like able. And if you don't like me somethings wrong in your head! It's hard for me to honestly believe some of that because of how hard I am on myself, and my total lack of self esteem.. But I know I need to boost that. Maybe if I keep telling myself how awesome I am, one day I'll believe it.

I really do believe sometimes ranting is the best medicine. I do not plan on making this blog purely for that - But I feel better now getting some things off my chest! Got another day off tomorrow and I plan on getting some more things done and being more PRODUCTIVE and POSITIVE!